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December 2007

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Dec. 13th, 2007

(no subject)

 hey, my best friend is sorta trying to recover too....can i recommend reading dying to be thin? you can find it at barnes and noble...its a very very good book and easy read, the authors other book regaining yourself is also very good. really question yourself about if you want your life to be nothing more then spent revolving around food- i know its not at simple as that, but i know you deep down dont so really ask yourself if reaching goals again will make you truly happy or if you just are too afraid to take that jump and really try to overcome an ed and turn your life around because your scared that you cant live without an ed and that you wont find something else to fill that void or find a better way of coping with painful things.

dont give up hun. its not easy. its not easy to always know that it is that we even want most of the time, and its soo much easier to stay in a place of pain if pain is what makes us feel comfortable and always has. its hard to take that jump into the unknown. but there is more beyond. its scary to think that if we give up an ed, if we give that up after we have had one for so long, its hard to think omg i have to learn how to relive my entire life....but you need to take it day by day. change cant happen unless you want it to. and i know a huge part of you doesnt want to give it up...but ask yourself why...is it really that you want to spend your life like this, always obessing over food, calories, weight, goals - or are you just afraid? And you know what- it is okay to be afraid. Its natural to be afriad because for so long this has been a huge part of your life, and its very tempting to when the pressure gets huge to want to purge, to want to binge, to remind ourselves that we still can have an ed that is there for us.... so its natural to in recovery sometimes turn back to our old ways of living.

please remember this. i speak truth here- the expectations of others...is NEVER as high as the ones we place on ourselves. its okay to try. its okay to slip. its okay to fall. its evne okay to relapse. because we are humans. we are not perfect. we never will be. and that is OK. You slipping up- doesnt mean failure. It means only that you had a slip up, not that everything you have done is gone. Remember that k?

<3

sometimes as odd as it sounds, I find it helpful to stop for a minute, no matter what situation I am and how bad it may seem...even if my car breaks down in the pooring rain..and make a list for a minute of how much worse it could be and how lucky I am...my list is usually basic  things like- well at least i have a car, at least i am not a poor person living on the street, i might have missed my last class because my alarm clock didnt go off but at least i have the chance to be in school, at least i dont have to worry about being mugged, at least i dont have to freeze to death, etc... if you can truly get your mind to stop and actually think of things that you can be greatful for- it can sometimes help dull the intensity of your bad moment.
Good luck love

(no subject)

ok, i realize that it has taken me forever to give you any answers to the questions that you have asked, and i still dont think i can really answer them for you, but what i do hope is that i can at least hopefully try my best to give you some sort of explanation for how it is that i feel right now and why it is that i dont want to\cant be in a relationship. i have thought a lot about how to explain this and how much to say to you and to share, and i tried writing out what i meant in as little detail as possible, but it just came out totally wrong, so i finally decided to just try being totally honest with you and to try and trust you with what i am about to say. this is really awkward and embarrassing and scary all at the same time, but your a sweet guy and i dont want you to  be thinking its you. and no matter what you say, should  you choose to respond back, please do not tell me that you will wait for me, ok? please.



ok... i think alot of the trust issues you thought i have you i think thought was from guys and not trusting them after what happened with the last one. but thats not really that true... see the last guy had told me he would wait, and for the most part he did..and it was me..and even though he was a total ass one night, i think he got hurt more than i did..and this is part of the huge reason why i dont want you to promise to wait. ... its not so much that i dont trust guys, its more that i dont trust myself... okay... to put it bluntly, lets just say that i have struggled alot with body image....and thats led me to a lot of really dark places that i cant even attempt to explain to you. and i didnt really realize exactly how many issues i had until i was with him, and it wasnt him at all...he tried his hardest, but its me who wont let people in. and im working really hard on trying to find a way past all of this, but there has just been so much, and i know from being in one with him that i just honestly can not be in a relationship with anyone until i can find a way to allow myself to actually be loved... i dont know if this will make any sense at all, but its almost like, i have been hurt before by someone who was so close (who was not a relationship person either) that i guess a basically started focusing all of my attention on eating or not eating and stuff like that to i guess divert myself from ever having to face any actual issues that happened in the first place. does that make sense? i just...idk... i cant, and its really hard for me when you say stuff like you will wait or when he says stuff, because then i feel like i have an expectation that i have to meet...i have a problem with always placing myself last and everyone else first, of doing things to make people happy...a fear of letting people down, so hearing him or you say stuff like i will wait..or me knowing that you are...to be honest, scares the shit out of me. and it scares me so much because i feel like i suddenly cant see either one of you again because i dont want to hurt you by letting you down and i cant focus at all on truly trying to change if i am just filled with fear. ... i liked holding your hand, i like you being sweet.... but the truth is, it also scares me. right now i wont allow myself to trust anything anyone says about me. and i tried, but being in a relationship with someone when you secretly question every single thing they say to you, does not work, for  you or them... you cant have a relationship with anyone if you dont have trust. i mean eventually in my life i do want to get married, i do want to be able to trust people, i want to be able to someday believe the positive things people say about me, and not doubt everything...and i am working on that, but its not an easy thing cuz its been going on for a really long time, and i just cant be in a relationship with anyone until i can straighten myself out, until i have what it takes to actually be able to give in a relationship..but right now

Aug. 18th, 2007

(no subject)

i dont really know what to do...ben is now asking me if i like him...and he keeps talking about wanting to date me and how he knows im not ready and will wait till i am..trev keeps talking to me all the time too.. i am reading this book that amanda recomened and its scary, i realize how true so much of it is. and it sucks because i really cant let a guy in, i just cant... as soon as trevor got kinda close, i freaked out... as soon as i saw ben once and realized he is sweet...im now planning on not seeing him again... its like i cant possibly trust anyone, or not that even, but maybe its more that i am just too scared too, i am too scared to risk getting hurt so i find it impossible to honestly believe that any guy will stay. and i dont believe that, i dont believe any guy will stay... i guess i dont believe that i am worth it, or that love is worth the risk of rejecition... i have so much fear from being hurt the way i have been by my mother and that was someone who i loved and trusted and let in so much, so its like i subconscienly have trained myself that i never want to face that again and the only way to never have to is to never place myself in the spot of getting hurt and faicng that type of rejection...so i just dont let a guy get close. and as long as i can focus on my weight and my body weight not being good enough, it prevents me from having time to focus on anything else, like the painful deeper issues which i am blocking out.,,the issues which have led me to be so unhappy with where i am right now weight wise. i dont even know what to say to ben.

Jul. 17th, 2007

amanda

I saw Amanda again yesterday... i really really like her...its so weird, like i never thoguht that i would ever be able to see a therapist ever and for some reason i actually totally open up to her way more than i could eve rhave imaged.... its almost like BECAUSE she isnt a part of my life that i feel i can tell her so much, i feel like i wont in any way complicate her or that she will ever have to worry about not wanting another problem to deal with type of thing... idk its hard to explain, but she makes alot of sense to me and i felt so calm and peaceful yesterday after i left.... and today i couldnt stop moving! i like barely ever feel like working out and today i was like dancing in the kitchen, and running around and i had this insane urge to go knock on matts door and ask him if he wanted to play basketball... i spoke to trevor, sam is beyond pissed at him... i still am but idk i dont want to be full of anger, it just makes me feel worse.... i am kinda like whatever about it... il ltalk to him as friends and if he truly has changed then time will prove that to be true or not, what happened happened so we will see how things go... ben...ah.....  he is a great guy, think he is reallu sweet...but had to have another talk with him about how to trust me that i make a way better friend then i do gf and that i seriously am not looking for a relatonship right now and then he gave me the ill wait thing and i told him noooo lol yaaaaaaaa tired...abby got sprayed by a skunk...going to go workout!

Jul. 15th, 2007

(no subject)

OY MY FUCKING GOD JUST READ CONVO FROM SAY OK SERIOSULY FUCKKKKKKKK YOU TREVOR!!!!!!! WHAT INSESITIVE TOTAL LIAR AND BASTARD AND ASSHOLE AND FUCKING DIPSHITTTTT.... yeah he is right we are totalllyyyyy done... he needs to fucking get over fucking being in love with being in love... he beyond only cares about "having a gf" he has no FUCKING CLUE what love is at ALL.... omg!!!

TREVOR

ok so i am so beyond fucking pissed at him...understatment of the moment

oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

fucking fucker is what i have to say for the moment, im so so pissed and sam tried to warn me earlier today after she talked to him cuz she had already talked to him and knew he was sorta seeing someone

so after alll of that... im just so so pissed because of how he bam stopped talking to me... maybe i said soem things ishoukd have but he DEFINITLY SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID ANY OF THE I LOVE YOU SHIT THAT HE SAID when he is basically with another girl...thats why i am so fucking beyond pissed.... and he never even told me! he went from i miss you, i love you etc to bam not speaking to me and asking why i changed my fb status..... im so so so SOOO done.... 

and now i have ben problem....althoguh he has been really sweet...i have made it  clear i want to be single and friends only and i didnt explain any of situatin to him just that i was upset and he was really sweet about everything and tod me to swear lol which was cute.... and he kept asking me what my favorite flower is cuz he says he wants tp send me some....sam is like super approving of him which is funny and encuraging me to not just shut ben out... and he says he respects and understands how i feel in wanting to just stay friends but wants me to at some point let him take me out to dinner and movie even if we dont call it a date... i hadnt talked to him in a long time... i guess he is pretty sweet... he made me feel alot better and was really great about it all...

 

 

anyways beyond done with trevor and wil be beyond pissed if it doesnt work out with girl and hten he suddenly comes back saying how much he missed me.. he better not at all or il flip... i still can not believe he did that and said those things to me and then never even mentioned her! really helping my trust issuses there buddy... fuuuuccckkkkk you

Jul. 13th, 2007

gr

ok i am pretty sure i somehow already managed to mess things up... for one... guys dont get anything...somehow they always manage to reverse the meaning of things... like last night on fb i changed my status from "single" to "its complicated" and that apparently upset trevor cuz he sent me a message about it saying if it was about him whats so complicated? and he took out his thing about me in his profile.... umm...okay first of all, the entire situation is in fact complicated...second isnt that actually a better thing? having something be complicated technically means your not one hundred percent viewing yourself as totally single...aka why its complicated... so i had thought he actually would have been slightly happy by the status change since i changed it from being totally single ... but he def took that in a totally different way and im not even sure how on earth you can even take that in a wrong way... unless he thought i meant he was like making my life complicated or something- and that was not what i meant... anyways he is on now but not iming me back so chances are he either is working or two just doesnt feel like talking to me but im not going to discuss it via email with him cuz he will prob take whatever i say the wrong way again so ill see if he is on later and i can talk to him. meanwhile...im totally playing hookie right now from work and i loveeee it!! hehe....

Jul. 11th, 2007

ugg

im so not sure anymore what i am doing... it seems like i have this huge problem that i have been avoiding and i know that i am totally unaware of knowing what the consequences of my decisions are, and thats scary. its hard to try and imagine what  will happen and scary to know that i could mess up and make a mistake that i will end up regretting years from now. body wise, i have lost 9 and a half pounds since i have been home, so i have been doing really well..shopping today was actually enjoyable, i held off on most clothes since im still losing but i did buy a new bathing suit, (that i think i actually might like enough to actually WEAR on the beach next week on vca...pretty big for me) i started seeing a therapist, she was really nice and actually a lot easier to talk to than i had thought, i was beyond scared though, but i have done an awful lot of praying lately and i think god is the one who gave me the courage to go in there and not just that but actually be honest with her and not do what i do all of the time, which is deny everything and act like im totaly fine and got it all covered...cuz the truth is, i dont. so lots of soul searching has been going on... we talked a lot about weight, my mom, sam, nursing, softball....and why it is that i am unhappy and we sorta discoverd that i care way too much about other people.... which is a good thing, its my blessing but by far my curse. she said i act like the oldest child, always trying to makae sure everyone is okay and she said my personality is defintily that of a care giver...from my job, to how i treat my friends.... and how my downfall is that i place every single person before myself and she talked alot to me about how if i dont stop to first take care of myself and make myself my top priority, that eventually i just wont have anymore to give and it will completly destroy me so we talked a lot about stress and learning how to handle it and the importance of understanding that sometimes the best way i can help people, is to actually let them learn lessons on their own and not try and save them every single time or they wont ever learn ... and she knows thats hard for me.... and she said my major even shows how important care giving and taking caare of others is for me, but how i need to start really changing that or i wont be help to anyone.... so yeah...we did a lot of talking.... i see her again monday.... its jsut hard, to be able to not simply save people and its hard to be able to watch people hurt themselves and not try and jump in and do something, thats hard for me to just sit there.... but i do slowly see how she is right and how i do one hundred percent place myself last every time and how i cant just do things to make others happy, i need to first focus on me... which is why no matter how tempting it may be, sam is right,  idefinitly can not officially go back to being a relationship with trevor, right now anyways because i do totally need to make sure im okay and do all of this for me and not just say yes to in part make him happy, i need to make sure im healed and ready. i feel bad for a lot, i know i also cant officially be in a relationship with him because i know there is soo much more i wanted to be able to offer him that i just couldnt and i want to make sure i know i can before that happens again. but its just sooo hard, i want it both ways, i want to be able to be in arelationship with him and yet at the same time not have to worry about anything, which is obviously un realistic... i want him to say sweet things, and mean them, i want to just cuddle with him, i like hearing him say sweet things, it mean a lot to me...and at the same time i dont want it to confuse him or hurt him because i dont know how to get him to understand how it is i feel. and im soooo scared that by not making things official that something will happen and i will end up losing him and it will be something years from now i will regret. and thats scary... i know im okay with saying things to him and yet being able to know i cant officially be with him, but i dont think he can handle that and i just dont know how to handle this whole situation. and i fee lreally bad cuz ive been really awkard with him online cuz,we ll im not sure why. like i just got mad that he was going to see harry potter...how dumb is that?? and at first i think it was cuz he left a vmail saying he coudl only talk to me till ten cuz he was exhausted and going to bed and yesterday he said he was going to make more time for me today and then after all that he just said he was seeing harry potter which meant he wasnt that tired...but then i realized, how big of a bitch do i sound even thinking something like that? not good. and then i remembered, its not like were officially together anyways so i can not be mad at something so silly... oy...maybe im just tired and the whole thing is just hard cuz i keep forgetting we arent together. i just deep down really think though that the best thing we can do is not make it official for a while... i think i really need time to focus on me being ready to be able to act the way i want to act with out limiting myself before i do get involved in a real relationship and i think he really needs to find himself too and his plan for the rest of his life...lik e the whole college, no college thing... and if we truly are meant to be and the love we say we have for each other truly is real, and is the kind that could last forever, then isnt this actually the best test of that? i mean if it truly is real...then it wil ldefinitly survive time and even if its a few years from now, it will happen.... and i think that if it does get to that point, where i am totally okay with me, he knows what he wants to do, and im stable nursing wise too... and we both have just had more life experiences, i think it can only make everything that much stronger... and if its meant to be, i think all of that would just make our relationship that much stronger.... but thats impossibe to try and explain without making that sound like an excuse, which its totally not cuz i one hundred percent believe that. but it doesnt make it any easier when im sitting here for some stupid reason crying right now because i just want him to hold me and want to cuddle with him... this beyond sucks... i know eventually we need to not talk to each other the way we have been, but im totally not ready to just let go yet... i know eventually we need to and sam is right about that...and my heart broke when he said were tourching each other....i felt so terrible cuz i dont want to be hurting him, i love him... but i just so badly dont want to let go yet.... i know eventually i must and cant keep talking to him like we are going out, but i ts so hard for me to let go right now and i just want to waite and hold on it to a little bit longer..... but is that okay or is that totaly wrong?

May. 13th, 2007

free me.....please?

totally feeling....ah....

i just feel, everything....

its just so weird...what i found out two weeke nds ago about my dad...which i sense have ignored...not checked up on... and kat is living here cuz she got kicked out.... and work has started....mom is driving me I NSANE!!

its just like, all those things i have ever felt, last year at this time...are slowly coming back... i dont want to be me anymore. seriously. i dont want to go through what i always go through. i dont want to hate summer, again....i dont want to wish that it was this summer my wrist needed surgury so  i wouldnt have to wear a bathing suit... ugg.... i dont want to be wearing a sweat shirt when its like eighty degrees out like i did at physics olympics last year.... i dont want this.... i want to hide.... i want to just dissapear.... and i wish i didnt.... 

i will post more on this after...cuz so many thoughts.... i just dont want to fall back into things....i dont want to purge..... i dont want to be so scared and feel so alone and feel like purging is the only thing that will make me feel a shred less disgusting.... i dont want to purge and look in the mirror after and see the red puffy teary eyes with the runny nose staring back at me sayi ng "who the hell are you?" i really dont... i think i realized how much i still am affected when i read trevors email and he said at the end something like " i kept asking cuz i wante to make sure  u were okay with it first. and i want you to know your beautiful and i hope u believe that and i can help you see that" and i just started BAWLING, litterally curled up in computer chair and started bawling. and then i realized that i am not okay... i mean i think im good at fooling myself into thinking im okay and im beyond this and that i just still get nervous with intimacy cuz of eveyrthing  but that over all im okay...but obviously me crying proves to me im not...and my reaction surpised me... i didnt think that would make me cry.... but it did...and it wasnt that i didnt want to hear him say that, because it meant so much to me that he did and  i think thats why i was crying and cryi ng becaue i still dont believe that about me. 

i mean, when will this just be over? when will EVERYTHING just go away.... im really glad that i do have him though, for the most part he makes me feel so safe... he asked if now i was okay with being intimate since i was okay with what happe ned in the car...and i was okay with that...but that also wasnt anywhere near like what happened at his house... i just hope he wasnt expecting aquick fix.....cuz me breaking down over his one line in email shows me i have a long way to go still.... 


:(

May. 10th, 2007

dear god

Oh, god please please listen to me. please help sam. i know you listen to me when i pray

and i know i havent really said much the past few days because i have been busy with

everything, but just please listen to me now because this is more important than all the

othr things i have been praying about the past week and i need to talk to you later about

sweet peas and katrina and college and trev and my parents because its all been stresing me

out  but now i just really need to talk about sam. just, please. god, im  begging

you...your the only one who can make her feel any form of confort right now, please bring

her to you because she feels better when she does feel close to you. please give her

strength right now..she said something to me because deep down she doesnt want to end up

throwing up tomorrow and i know how it feels to not want to  but to end up doing it anyway

and she is scared about being alone tomorrow so please..........just please....do  not let

me lose her to this... i dont know what i would do without my best friend, and  i know i

have talked to you alot about that, but its true and its really scaring me again. please

help her.....please help her vision to clear...please help her mind to be strong, please

give her courage that she never thought she had, courage to fight, courage to admit she has

a serious problem...vision to see that she does...and courage to take that huge step to get

help.... please giver her the ability to see...to see how beautiful she really is, inside

and out...to see what others see....to see how important she is and how loved she is and

how truly amazing of a person she is..... please remove her blind fold because there is so

much she cant see and i dont know at all how to get her to see any of that and only you

have the power to do that.i know she needs help, but i dont know how to lead her to that...

please be with her right now...please dont be mad at me for crying, i just.... i dont know

what to do.

thank you, thank you for all the good things she has brought into my life....and thank you

god so much for blessing me with the past week and her sharing jamestown with me.... and

please god, you dont understand, i cant lose her...and i find myself after every good time

we have, just being scared, and getting scared that someday all it will be is a memory and

that she wont be here...and thinking about how i dont want each time i see her to

end....thank you so much for sunday when we went on the shopping spree and did our

nails...thank you for the little kids making her happy and for us having so much fun

sunday....she was happy....and she needs moments like those and thank you for that and for

the weather being the way it was and the stores the way they were and all those things that

fell into place...i never in a million years would have ever thought that i would have

ended up getting a pedicure, ever- but thank you, seeing her happy was worth the fear of

letting someone touch my toes.

just please let everything be okay.... please give her strength, please give her a purpose,

i know she has one, but please help her to actually find that herself and feel like she

does have one.... please set up whatever needs to tomorrow so she doesnt do it.... please

guide her, please be there for her right now....please somehow make her come even closer to

you, to sit down and talk to you, her father, about everything..please listen, and like a

father, guide her.... she needs alot, and at this point its not things i can do

anymore....i know what she needs but i dont know how to make her take that step...i just

dont know...i know mom told me today she was going to call her to come over sometime this

week or next...please work through my mom....please help my mom to say the things you want

her to hear, the things she needs to hear....please help her fight this... please giver her

strength, please giver her clarity, please giver her a sense of peace...please let her get

a good nights sleep....please let her mind rest for a moment, please give her vision to see

beyond the things her eating disorder is trying to hide from her, please let her see the

truth, please give her courage, alot of courage to face her fears, to fight back, please

comfort her, please give her serenity, please give her happiness, please bless her....

please let her know you are there and let her feel your love.

please take care of her, please help her.... please god... i dont think i could go on if i

ever did lose her...i really dont think i could ever go to a wake and see her, sam, in the

casket.... i dont think im doing enough , but i dont know what else to do, please help me,

please help me to find other ways, if there is something, anything you want me to

do...please show me. i was shocked that jess;s grandma died...it was really random... and

it made me think so much about her, about how luky i have been to not know anyone my age

who has died...i always think about that, how most people do lose someone who is a

friend...and ever since her car accident, i always thought for somereason that if i ever

did that it could end up being her...maybe beause of her close brush with death...but you

didnt take her then, and there was a reason for that...so please help her to see that

too.... and please always protect her when she is driving...

i promise god, i am not being selfish. i have thought alot about that too, at about what

she said about wanting to die. and i love her so much that i only want her to be happy too

and to be free from her pain, but i know you havent taken her because she has so much to

here....she has soo much to give, as a friend, a dauhter...god, someday she will make an

amazing mother....the world needs her, even little grace loves her...and i know that she

needs to be here... you have comforted me when i have been crying to feel and sense

that.... i dont know how she ended up stuck where she is now, but please help her to

somehow see the light, to realize this isnt the end, to realize how great her life here can

be too... she is just trapped, its really scary, and its so hard for me because i know that

if she somehow got into a treament program that she would be okay. and i know that and i

wish more than anything that she could take that step, but she wont acknoledege that its

that bad...but god...her brother, her younger brother saw puke on the toielt and got

scared...please somehow get her to see how much help she truly needs, i mean having a younger siling see that means its not okay....please, more than anything i have in my entire life ever wanted or asked for, please help her to see how bad it is.... and its so fustrating because i know what she needs to do, and i want that more than anything in the world, and

she wont take that step...and i dont know how at all to get her to do that...  im not being

selfish when i pray to keep her here, because i love her so much that if i thought her

purpose truly was over, i would in a second rather have her gone and live withouth her, as

hard as that would be- if it would mean she was happy. but i know from praying to you that

it isnt her time either, she ended up on this path....and the evil is killing her, its

destroying her body.... she is so tiny god...

i just dont know what to do anymore.... i love her so much... please take care of her,

please give her vision, courage, emense courage, please give her the ability to one day

look in the mirror and love herself...please be there and guide her, because i dont know

what else to do....i dont know how else to help..you need to show me... please give me

vision and courage too...

please make everything okay. please help her, please give her the ability to accept the

stuf that has happened that she cant change, and COURAGE to change the things she CAN, i

know its not easy, i know how hard it is for her to ever see someone which is why she isnt,

and she is in denial, so please giver her vision and true courage, courage isnt

easy...please bless her with that, and bless her with widsom to know what she can and cant

change...please bless her with your love, i know you wont ever adbandon her, please also

bring her closer to you, somehow set her on the right path where she will never adbandon

you again either...please always keep her close to you...

please god... please help...please answer this prayer... please help her find herself again, please help her find happiness again, find self respect again, find self acceptance again, find love again, find you again, find her life back...

just please somehow let whaever needs to happen happen so she doesnt do it tomorrow...

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